How I Got Into Sex Ed…
In 2014, the following essay was written by Lauren Barineau and published by The Center for Sexuality Education as part of a collection called “How I Got Into Sex…Ed.” You can order the book here.
As you read, it may be helpful to gain clarity on which values you’d like to share with your own child related to sexuality. Use Talk More’s Values Expression Exercise to help guide your thoughts:
“Growing up, my family welcomed open dialogue, which sometimes included typically taboo subjects such as sex. One specific discussion that I believe directly shaped my understanding of sexuality comes to mind as having led me to the field of sexual health.
My adolescent brother and I were trapped in the car on a family road trip, and my mom sensed an opportunity. She said, ‘You know, your dad and I really hope that when you’re older and in a healthy relationship, you have good sex.’ We both groaned and rolled our eyes; this wasn’t the first time my parents had initiated conversations to ask our opinions and answer questions about sex. But this time, the message was clearly different. This conversation wasn’t just about puberty, or the meaning of slang words, but a suggestion, an expectation even, that sex was supposed to be good.
Knowing we couldn’t escape the car, my mom went on to explain that she hoped my brother and I would choose to wait until after high school to have sex because she felt that would give us time to discover who we were as individuals, and as a result, find partners with whom we could develop strong relationships. It was important to my parents that we were educated about sex and that we considered all sexual health risks. She emphasized that we should seek relationships in which we were able to make choices about sex without being pressured. ‘When you find those relationships,’ she continued, ‘I hope you feel comfortable and safe enough to communicate with your partner about sex, which will eventually lead to good sex. Sex is a really important and fun part of a relationship.’ Although we were a bit embarrassed at the time, my brother and I listed quietly and nodded along in the backseat. As I grew into adulthood, it became a conversation that stayed with me.
It wasn’t until after college that I realized my experience with my parents was unique. I just assumed that everyone grew up in a family like mine that openly asked for and answered our questions about sex and sexuality. I was genuinely surprised to learn that many of my peers never, ever talked with their parents about sex, and if they did, their parents wouldn’t have acknowledged that sex was something you could enjoy! I began to realize how our cultural nervousness about sex was preventing kids and teens from hearing any positive messages about sex and sexuality from some of the most trusted adults in their lives.
My choice to enter the field of sexual health education was a direct result of my parents’ sex positive approach. They clearly communicated their message that sex is a healthy part of mutually respectful and caring relationships and that with the right partner, sex could and should feel good. My parents purposefully shared their values around sexual activity and their expectations of healthy relationships so that I could develop an understanding of the context around sexuality, not just the mechanics of anatomy. At a sexual health curriculum training, I was once asked how I became so comfortable talking about ‘this stuff’ with strangers. When I gave the question some thought, I realized that my ease came from talking about sex early, often, and openly with trusted adults in my life.”