Talk More: Sexting
Kids are sexting, but this isn’t a blog to scare you. Data as recent as 2019 tells us that out of a national sample of kids age 12-17, 14% sent a sexually explicit message and 23% received one; both data points are an increase from 2016. A journal article from JAMA confirms these numbers.
Most of the information online about talking to kids about sexting is oriented towards telling youth why and how to avoid it. There are warnings about social ridicule, legal consequences, or damaged reputations, but very few resources that support sex positive conversations about sexting with kids or teens.
However, just a few Google search results down, you can easily find articles (with data!), that introduce sexting between adults as something that can strengthen a relationship and connect partners.
So, how do we approach sharing complicated messages about sexting in our conversations with teens, and navigate the nuances of engaging in sexting? Try out a few suggestions below:
Start before you think your child and their peers might be engaging in sexting. As with most things, having proactive conversations can help your child think through decision-making before they’re faced with making a choice for the first time. The right time might be when a kid get’s their first cell phone, if many of your child’s friends have a cell phone, at the very least when your kid starts middle school. And, because conversations about sexuality should always be frequent, continue talking as they get older.
Approach conversations about sexting in non-shaming ways so your child knows they can talk to you if they have questions about receiving or sending a sext. If your only message is that it’s never okay to do, your child may shy away from sharing with you if and when it happens.
One way to do this is by acknowledging that being curious about sex is normal. One way you might say this is, “Sometimes people you age start sharing texts messages about sexual thoughts or behaviors, or images of themselves without clothes on. If you get these images via your phone or another online device, that’s usually called sexting.”
Take the time to consider and get clear on why you worry about your child sexting: is it because you don’t want them to be in legal trouble? Is it because you don’t want them to be having sex yet and you think this may be a step in that direction? Is it because you don’t want them to be embarrassed if a sext was passed around to people it wasn’t intended for?
Rather than shaming them or focusing the talk on what they might “loose” if they sext, talk with them about your root concerns, (which are important and valid) and let them know how sexting might be related to it.
Acknowledge that some people sext, and most of them are adults. Talk about when sexting might be okay to do. For example, when two people have consented to receiving sexts, and there is a lot of trust between two people. And, talk about when sexting might not be okay to do, for example if a person is feeling pressured to send a sext, or if someone receives a sext that has been shared. This article, based on a Journal of Adolescent Health paper, offers some great suggestions about “safer sexting” that might be helpful to discuss with teens.
Talk together about what to if a person sends them or asks for a sext. Should they ignore it, bring it to your attention, respond in a way that makes it clear they won’t be sending sexts, or another plan that makes sense for your family? Allowing pre-teens and teens to plan ahead will benefit them when they’re experiencing pressure to respond.